HUMOR Thread!!!

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skylersfriend
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Tue Jun 20, 2017

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sammich.



The barman looks at him and says, "hang on you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working too" says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sammich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round
this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more,but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sammich, bids the
barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be
just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sammiches, reads
the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.

"Where is it?" asks the duck

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the
middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says.......









"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?" :duck: :duck: :duck:
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Super Stacker PCB » Thu Jun 29, 2017

Man under arrest hands cop 'Get out of jail free' Monopoly card
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/06/29/ma ... -card.html
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby beauanderos » Sat Jul 01, 2017

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We are here to help others by practicing a friendly attitude. Every person is borne for a purpose. Everyone has a God-given potential, in essence, built into them. If we are to live life to its fullest, we must realize that potential.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Mon Jul 03, 2017

GOOD SAMARITAN

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do ?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


DID NOAH FISH ?

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."


UNANSWERED PRAYER

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He never helps you?" she asked.


ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls ?"
Her response, "Because everybody else always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


SAY A PRAYER

Little Tommy and his family were having Sunday dinner at Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Tommy received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Tommy! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Tommy explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.



Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in thei cart"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Tue Jul 11, 2017

chutes!.jpg
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Super Stacker PCB » Tue Jul 11, 2017

Nevada marijuana supply running low, state of emergency declared, governor says
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2017/07/11/ne ... -says.html

I may want to move to Nevada :ugeek: :lol:
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Sat Jul 15, 2017

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby RookieStacker » Sat Jul 15, 2017

Never trust anyone who spells Gonorrhea right on the first try.

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Senior Sex

Postby Silvertongue » Wed Jul 19, 2017

The elderly husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Wed Aug 02, 2017

Finally, a medical distinction between guts and balls.


Subject: The Medical Distinction

We've heard friends and colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with
Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal:
Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere? "

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
having the Balls to say: “You're next, Chubby".

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby BAJJERFAN » Sun Aug 06, 2017

skylersfriend wrote:GOOD SAMARITAN


Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in thei cart"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer, and it's half the price."


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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Thu Aug 10, 2017

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Thu Sep 21, 2017

The Old Gents Club

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen? "There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same.” "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when the drinks are half-price.”
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Fri Sep 29, 2017

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Tractor Man » Mon Oct 02, 2017

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The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence. - Charles Bukowski

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Mon Oct 16, 2017

A wee bit of humor with an idea to mull over:

An old Jewish joke, full of the mordant humor of Judaism’s darkest hours, is typically told thus:

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. “Herr Altmann,” said his secretary, “I notice you’re reading Der Stürmer! I can’t understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?” “On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we’re on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know — it makes me feel a whole lot better!”

Read more at: http://www.nationalreview.com/article/4 ... %20Actives
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Tractor Man » Mon Oct 16, 2017

skylersfriend wrote:A wee bit of humor with an idea to mull over:

An old Jewish joke, full of the mordant humor of Judaism’s darkest hours, is typically told thus:

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. “Herr Altmann,” said his secretary, “I notice you’re reading Der Stürmer! I can’t understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?” “On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that the Jews control all the banks, that we dominate in the arts, and that we’re on the verge of taking over the entire world. You know — it makes me feel a whole lot better!”

Read more at: http://www.nationalreview.com/article/4 ... %20Actives


That was good. I'm usually a headlines-only reader, but I read all of that. A VERY rare occurrence for me. :lol:
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence. - Charles Bukowski

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Mon Oct 23, 2017

The Old Jewish Catskill Comics of Vaudeville Days

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

If I had blood, I'd blush.

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking.
Last edited by skylersfriend on Mon Oct 23, 2017, edited 1 time in total.
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Mon Oct 23, 2017

The Old Jewish Catskill Comics of Vaudeville Days

Henny Youngman was the best: :lol:

A few jokes from days gone by:

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."


* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.


* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!


* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"


* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.


* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.



* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.



* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.



* I was just in London -- there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.


* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.


* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"


* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"


* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!


* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?


* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"


* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."


* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"


* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.


* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.


* I wish my brother would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Wed Oct 25, 2017

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