HUMOR Thread!!!

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Fri Nov 02, 2018

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Sat Nov 03, 2018

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Sun Nov 04, 2018

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Sun Nov 04, 2018

:thumbup:
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Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“To think things out properly and fairly, a fellow's got to be calm and old and toothless: When you're an old gaffer with no teeth, it's easy to say: 'Damn it, boys, you mustn't bite!' But, when you've got all thirty-two teeth...” Nikos Kazantzakis..ZORBA THE GREEK

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Mon Nov 05, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Mon Nov 05, 2018

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I'm clearly not very bright.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Tue Nov 06, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Tue Nov 06, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Nov 07, 2018

I could tell you a joke about time travel.

But I wont, because you didn't like it.
I'm clearly not very bright.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Sun Nov 11, 2018

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Mon Nov 12, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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Leprechaun gold
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Leprechaun gold » Tue Nov 13, 2018

Thought this from the reply thread from zerohedge was very good and topical

On a side note, they have ballot boxes on special at EBay. You choose the party and then the office (governor, senator, etc) off a pull-down menu.

They have only a few democrat products left. They are all guaranteed sealed as if they just left the polling place.

Overnight shipping is free
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Wed Nov 14, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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skylersfriend
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Thu Nov 15, 2018

Woody Allen: one-liners


'My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.'

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.'

'Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.'

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.'

'Bisexuality doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night'

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.'

'Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good.'

I don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.'

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right'

'What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?'

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.'

'Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.'

'To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition'.

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

'If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.'

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?'

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.”

'Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.'

'The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.'

'Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.'

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.'

Eighty per cent of success is showing up
.
The important thing, I think, is not to be bitter. You know, if it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.'

There's an old joke . . . two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life.'

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.'

'My brain: It`s my second favorite organ.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.'

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.'

I was thrown out of NYU [New York University] for cheating on my Metaphysics final. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.'

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The two biggest myths about me are that I`m an intellectual, because I wear these glasses, and that I`m an artist because my films lose money. Those two myths have been prevalent for many years.'

'Does art imitate life, or does life imitate TV?'

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.'

'It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.'
;)
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
Image


“To think things out properly and fairly, a fellow's got to be calm and old and toothless: When you're an old gaffer with no teeth, it's easy to say: 'Damn it, boys, you mustn't bite!' But, when you've got all thirty-two teeth...” Nikos Kazantzakis..ZORBA THE GREEK

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Fri Nov 16, 2018

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:turtle:
There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Sun Nov 18, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Tue Nov 20, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Tue Nov 20, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Wed Nov 21, 2018

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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Walkabout
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Walkabout » Wed Nov 21, 2018

Why do women and men have crows feet around their eyes when they get old?

Women have it from saying "you want me to do what?"

Men have it from saying "please please please!"


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