HUMOR Thread!!!

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MrGaribaldi
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MrGaribaldi » Sat Jan 07, 2017

Seatbelts became mandatory in 1974. Until then they were an option.
RIP Mom, 1928 - 2018

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bluejuice915
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby bluejuice915 » Wed Jan 11, 2017

Let's see how many people get this.
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-_-

I'm hoping I'm wrong, but it will be so satisfying to say I was right.

...And the greatest minds in the world cried at the surrounding stupidity.

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skylersfriend
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Wed Jan 11, 2017

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look
at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and
live together in peace for the rest of our days."



The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!"



The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't
break. Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and
celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.



The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and
then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately
put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.



The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"



She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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skylersfriend
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby skylersfriend » Wed Jan 11, 2017

Why Some Athletes Can't Get Regular Jobs
The danger of having just any sports figures as role models for kids....

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."


3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."


4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."


5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."


6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
(Now that is beautiful)


7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."


8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton .."


9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."


10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
time it is."


11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
January)


12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.''


13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."


14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
Ah, but they ride to the bank in a Mercedes...
Don't think of me as a cynic; I am an optimist with experience!
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“In finance, everything that is agreeable is unsound and everything that is sound is disagreeable.” Winston Churchill

The year 2017: Where words and ideas are considered too hateful to be said,
while riots and assault are considered too peaceful to be prosecuted.

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Thu Jan 12, 2017

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Don't grow up - it's a trap!

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lucky43113
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby lucky43113 » Tue Jan 17, 2017

this was written by a friend of mine

Twas the night before Inauguration.

Twas the night before Inauguration, and up in the tower,
The Donald reflected on his newfound power.
The conservative masses had come out in force,
And delivered a victory that would chart a new course.

The snowflakes were shell-shocked with tears in their eyes,
The media lied to them . . . What a surprise.
They had been promised a Hillary win,
But the criminal Clinton took one on the chin.

And though from all corners celebrities flew,
They made no impression, for they hadn’t a clue.
They talked about climate, racism, and such,
And they made up good stories . . . But didn’t know much.

The fake news and ignorance came at a cost,
And they can’t understand all the reasons they lost.
They blame it on Comey and Bernie and Vlad,
But fail to acknowledge the one that was bad.

Yes, Hillary Clinton, in many ways flawed,
Was her own biggest hurdle toward getting the nod.
The campaign exposed her corruptness and greed,
And her speeches were punch-less as ten dollar weed.

So out in the streets there arose such a clatter,
It was Soros-paid protestors and Black Lives Matter.
With cities to pillage and windows to smash,
They knew not the issues, but needed the cash.

Eight years of Obama had given them cause,
To expect a replacement of their Santa Claus.
But soon the protestors will feel the pain,
When the wheels fall off of the old gravy train.

And now all the snowflakes are riddled with fear,
Upset and offended by things that they’ll hear.
The cocoa and crayons will help for a while,
But fact-based opinions will soon cramp their style.

I originally supported, and voted, for Cruz,
In the end, I would vote for whoever they choose.
He wasn’t my first choice, but soon I would cede,
The one they call Trump is the one that we need.

I saw him on TV in front of a crowd,
He spoke about veterans, it made me feel proud.
He spoke about energy, safety, and jobs,
Taking this country back from the Washington snobs.

He was dressed in Armani, all tailored and neat,
And the Brunos he wore made the outfit complete.
For a man of his vintage, he seemed rather fit,
And he looked presidential, I have to admit.

His eyes glowed like embers, his smile was the best,
And his hair was the color of my old hunting vest.
His love for this country was on full display,
And his actions spoke louder than his words could say.

He thanked all his voters, and before he was gone,
Saved thousands of jobs while Obama looked on.
The fate of this country left nothing to chance,
So, he filled out his cabinet weeks in advance.

The men he had chosen were of the same mind,
Let’s set the bar high, and not lead from behind.
He picked up his phone as he rose from his seat,
With a flick of his finger, he sent out this tweet;

“Now Mattis!, now Kelly!’ now Sessions! And Pruitt!
On Perry! On Flynn, You’re the ones who can do it.
Start lifting restrictions and building the wall,
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”;

The roar of his audience rose from the stands,
He kissed all their babies and shook all their hands.
He answered their questions and calmed all their fears,
They knew it would be a fantastic four years.

Then he jumped in his limo, and off to his jet,
A fellow that Liberals won’t soon forget.
He sent one more tweet as the evening expired;
“Happy Inauguration to all,
AND OBAMA – YOU’RE FIRED!
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety.---Benjamin Franklin


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Natchez14
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Natchez14 » Tue Jan 17, 2017

:clap: :thumbup: :clap:
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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Tue Jan 17, 2017

Natchez14 wrote: :clap: :thumbup: :clap:


+1

I read the whole thing. It's fun and well written. :clap:
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Purple and Gold » Tue Jan 17, 2017

lucky43113 wrote:His eyes glowed like embers, his smile was the best,
And his hair was the color of my old hunting vest.



:lol: good one
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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Jan 18, 2017

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Jan 18, 2017

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rottiesforever
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby rottiesforever » Sun Jan 22, 2017

from Quora Digest:


As a teacher, what is the weirdest thing you have seen in your school or classroom?

Kate Huddleston, Mom, teacher, & just old enough to know a lot of stuff

Written Jan 14

During “Show and Tell” in my Kindergarten class, a boy brought in a blue nylon belt. He proceeded to tell the class it was from his dad's girlfriend's coat. In my usual line of questioning I asked why it was special to him. He went on to tell us that girlfriend showed up last night wearing coat. When dad greeted her she took off belt dropped it to the floor and opened her coat and was naked. He said dad took her upstairs, and he grabbed the belt and put it in his backpack. Gawd…the notice that Show and Tell was now going to be structured (Monday is Stuffed Animal Day, Tuesday is Favorite Book Day etc. )went home that day.

:lol: :lol: :lol:
Turtles all the way down

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Jan 25, 2017

D.J. Trump, hehe

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Jan 25, 2017

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Silvervein
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby Silvervein » Wed Jan 25, 2017

"Don't gain the world and lose your soul; wisdom is better than silver or gold."
- Bob Marley

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Wed Jan 25, 2017

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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Thu Jan 26, 2017

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.

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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Thu Jan 26, 2017

A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a large tortoise in the front seat. "What are you doing with that turtle?" He exclaimed, "You should take it to the zoo."

The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the turtle again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses.

The policeman pulls him over. "Ed! I thought you were going to take that turtle to the zoo!" Ed replied, "I did. We had such a good time we're going to the beach this weekend!"
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MaxGravy
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby MaxGravy » Sun Jan 29, 2017

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Don't grow up - it's a trap!

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tdtwedt
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Re: HUMOR Thread!!!

Postby tdtwedt » Mon Jan 30, 2017

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There are more ways than one to skin a cat.


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